What if you couldn’t fail?
Would you do things differently if there wasn’t a possibility of failure? I know that I would. The fear of failure has been with me the entirety of my life – as far back as I can remember.
I love the saying “there is no such thing as failure, only feedback.” It makes such perfect sense. And, when I think about my grandchildren my fondest wish for them is that they hold this belief for themselves with all their heart and soul. Imagine if every time they tried something and didn’t “succeed” they approached it with a mindset of what can I learn from that? How freeing would that be? How much easier would their lives be? How much more exciting and fun would their lives be?
We all eventually learn from our unsuccessful attempts and mistakes; however, for many of us we must repeat those experiences repeatedly before the learning settles in. I think that’s because we get distracted by the idea of failure. And once caught in a failure mindset we start to beat ourselves up – usually repeatedly – and when we’re suffering under the weight of all that self-recrimination it’s almost impossible to learn. Then we start to pull in hard and push against failure with everything we have and that closes us off to other possibilities. Other ways to approach the situation that might result in a different outcome. And it feels so bad that some of us might even stop trying new things or being willing to take a risk, so we limit our lives and our possibilities to stay safe and not risk failure.
I know that this has happened for me more often than I’d care to admit. And, even now – having heard and learned about this amazing belief that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback I still struggle, sometimes daily, with my fear of failure. My way to counter this fear of failure is to repeat over and over to myself that I must be brave, that courage is my friend, that there is something to learn here and more that will be revealed. For the most part, this gets me through and allows me to open to the feedback (or learning) rather than fighting against failure. And when it doesn’t work – I get coaching.
After all, I do know that failure is part of success. Happy accidents are wonderful – you know those times where you just try something, and it works out beautifully? Most of the time we must try things multiple times – it’s rare that someone just picks up a ball and throws a perfect pitch and becomes a starting pitcher for their team. Mostly they throw a lot of pitches - get lots of coaching – and eventually learn how to hold the ball and how to use their body so that they can throw a perfect pitch. Even then every pitch isn’t perfect, but it’s often close.
My coach will always help pull me out of that story and the corresponding negative feedback loop so that I can see more clearly what is, and what else is possible. So, that I act with courage and willing curiosity to learn from my next effort. None of this is easy for me, yet. But the more I do these things – repeat my mantras and get coaching – the easier it gets. The more I come to hold the belief for myself and not just others that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback the more I get to live a life that is less complicated and more joyful.
I imagine my four amazing grandchildren always following their passions and exploring as many new ways of being and doing as possible. Learning from each of those experiences in a way that is easy and joyful because they know that whatever their outcomes, it’s only information – just feedback – that they can then use to inform future choices. And I know that I’m helping to build that for them by not allowing myself to get caught in that negative loop where all I can see is my failure and/or the possibility of future failure. I know that my new willingness to get coaching, try again, and stop hiding is setting an example for them and supporting the development of their belief that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback.
What have you learned from your “failures” and how will that learning support you and those you love to live your best lives? What will you do the next time fear of failure tries to swallow you whole?
