Breakdown to Breakthrough or from Depression to Possibility

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog post.  I’ve been in a breakdown for a few months now – my breakdown has consisted of a lack of motivation when it comes to doing anything that will support the success of my coaching business.  Therefore, no blog posts, no social media posts, and no personal promotion of the business.  Then a few weeks ago I got a haircut that I truly dislike and suddenly found myself spiraling into a depression.  That lack of motivation that had been only impacting my business was suddenly impacting all areas of my life.  I wasn’t doing anything other than sitting on my couch, watching TV, and playing solitaire on my computer.  Oh, I was getting up and going to work every day, but that’s about all I was doing - and there were a couple of days when I didn’t even do that.

This is embarrassing to admit and even more embarrassing to write about and yet, it felt important to share my experience in hopes that it will maybe offer hope to someone else who might be going through something similar and allow me to learn from the experience.

 As is usual for me since graduating from Coach Training I’m working with a coach, and I’ve shared with her how I’ve been feeling and my lack of motivation to do anything – even those things that had become a consistent part of my daily routine like exercising and meditating.  Things that I know help to keep me feeling healthy – both physically and emotionally – and things that I start beating myself up over when I’m not doing them consistently. 

 Coaching is a part of what got me through these last few weeks.  Each week I would share what was going on with me, and my coach would ask me questions that would prompt further exploration, and then I’d come up with a declaration to act.  Usually – but not always – I’d complete the declaration in a sort of half-assed way so that I could check it off and report to my coach that it was done.  For instance, I’ve been working on a website redesign for Intentionally Me for several months and one week I declared to pay the fee so that I could finish the redesign and publish the new website.  Oh, not to worry – I paid the fee.  However, that was probably three or four weeks ago now, and other than browsing through what I’d already completed I haven’t taken any additional steps on the redesign. 

Two weeks ago, I had the good fortune of having not only a call with my coach but also a call with my amazing accountability partner and because of those two calls, I declared to start taking care of myself again through exercise and meditation.  For a reason that I haven’t yet identified I approached these two declarations with full commitment and of course after a week of almost daily exercise and regular meditation, I started feeling better – less depressed.  Amazing how that happens, right? 

And then last week the most incredible thing happened.  I’ve been meditating on and off for the past three years, but I haven’t felt like I was “doing it right” until this week.  I had two sessions where I felt like I was really “in the moment” and was able to observe my thoughts without getting attached to them and then return to my breathing.  It was rather magical – particularly last Thursday morning.  In the middle of my meditation, I had this visualization – I was standing outside somewhere and there was this adorable, scruffy little dog at my feet. He was doing all these antics to get my attention and the next thing I knew I was laughing out loud and smiling – while meditating.  Normally I would get upset over something like this – did I fall asleep in the middle of my meditation?  Was that a dream and not meditation?  Not on Thursday.  Thursday morning, I simply brought myself back to my body and my breath – to the present moment – and sat in the afterglow of the laughter created by the picture of that lovely little dog in my mind.

After meditating I read a text message that I’d received from a coach that I’ve been following.  In her text, she asked everyone – “When you look in the mirror what do you see?  The view that you adopt for yourself affects the way you build your life….”  Reading this was incredibly impactful for me and I started wondering, what do I see when I look in the mirror?  Can I “adopt” a different view?  If so, what do I want my view to be?

Over the next 30 minutes, as I prepared for work, I couldn’t escape these questions and I came to the realization that I possibly have 40 years of life left.  (O.K., yes, that might be reaching a bit since it would mean that I’d live to be 101, but hey, people do it quite regularly nowadays and after all, I’m very healthy and don’t have the habits that my parents had which led to their early demise, so why not?) Then I started thinking about how fast the past 22 years have gone (that’s how long I’ve worked for my current employer) and how fast the next 20 to 40 years would go.  The next question was what do I want these 40 years that I have left to look like?  Who do I want to be? 

I got so excited thinking about the possibilities.  Even though I’ll be 61 in a couple of weeks, if I have 40 years of life left, I can go ahead and get that Ph.D. that I’ve been thinking about, but not acting on, for the past 5 years “because I’m too old.”  I can grow my business into a successful endeavor that makes a difference in the lives of people.  I can travel and make new friends.  I can be happy and active and spread joy everywhere I go.  I can do anything and be whoever I want to be.

Then I started planning how I’d start – well first I’d write a blog post about what I’ve been experiencing so that I could share the pain and the excitement in case it might be useful to someone else.  Then I could do a video post for IG and talk about mindset.  Hey, it’s March – it can be Mindset March and I could regularly post for the rest of the month about mindset. I could go to work and be happy and joyful and make an extra effort to connect with my colleagues.  And the list went on and on…

I stayed busy and happy throughout the day at work until the very end when I started running out of time and still had several things that I needed to get done. Then I started thinking about my evening and the coaching calls I had scheduled which meant that I wouldn’t be able to work a little later in order to finish those tasks.  Then, as I was driving home the thought of another 40 years popped back into my head for some reason and I briefly reconnected with the enthusiasm from earlier in the day.  When I walked in the door and realized I only had 10 minutes until the first call I started rushing around again to get a few things done before sitting down for that call. Of course, with all this rushing my anxiety started ramping up a bit, so I made myself sit and breathe, and prepare for the calls.

Over the next 60 minutes with my coach, I got clearer on the idea that the next 40 years could be whatever I wanted them to be. I explored what I could do to stay connected with that vision.  My coach asked powerful questions and challenged me to move outside of my comfort zone when I set my intention for the next week. The result was that I ended my call and started the first “shitty draft” of this blog post rather than doing nothing until my next call.  Over the next few days in addition to working more on this post, I also created a vision board to represent what I want the next 40 years to look like. (See photo above.)

It's Monday evening and I’m getting ready to publish this post – earlier than declared.  I have a wonderful vision board that I’ve set as the wallpaper for both my personal and work laptops.  Since I spend so much time on these two computers it means that I have a constant reminder of my intention and what I want to create in my life.  I’m feeling so much better. 

That’s not to say that everything has been roses and rainbows this past five days.  It hasn’t – my anxiety and/or sadness (sometimes both) have broken through at least once a day since last Thursday; however, each time that has happened I’ve been able to purposefully reconnect with my intention using the tools I created and those learned because of coach training, and through personal and professional experience.  It hasn’t been easy or quick every time, but it has been successful.  

The tools I’ve been using include writing this post, creating the original vision board, intentionally looking at the vision board multiple times each day, creating additional vision boards on other topics, meditating, exercising, working, and talking to my husband.  I’m going to continue doing these things and I’m going to ask for help when I need it because it does take a village.  I’m heading for a breakthrough – I can feel it! 

My learning? 

The smallest shift can create big change. 

I need other people to help me get clear when things are cloudy and to challenge me to stretch when I’m scared.

Meditating works and yes, exercise still works.

I have so much to look forward to in the next 40 years. There is still the opportunity to be who and whatever I want to be – it’s never too late.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Thank you for being a part of my community, and for your belief in possibility.  I’d love to hear about your experiences with breakdown and/or depression. I’d also love to hear how you moved out of the breakdown and into a breakthrough.  What did you create?  What did you learn?  Please share by clicking on the button below and then navigating to this post on the website.